No one really understands the love a mother has for their child until they actually become one. It’s the one thing you hear every new mother say the first time they lay eyes on their newborn. Today I was looking at my son; just staring at him as he was playing on the computer, and I wondered to myself, “how did I get so lucky?” Being his mother for the past 11 years has been the best years of my life and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Giving birth to him was a blessing. At that time in my life, I was going through a lot, I was all over the place mentally and I had no purpose. But seeing him in the hospital for the first time put life into perspective. Since that day, he has been the ray of sunshine I had been missing in my life. He has been the most incredible child to raise. He loves school, he loves life and he is my partner when I have no one else.
As I stared at him, I thought of all we had been through. Every obstacle I’ve had to overcome, he’s been there to tell me, “mom, everything will be okay”. He’s been that way since he was two; always positive, always comforting and always having pure love for his mother. He’s also always been a fighter, kind of like his mother. My poor baby has been in the hospital for seizures, broken bones and getting his appendix removed. But through it all, he was always positive. (Lord, I hope the hospital days are over!). But don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t always rainbows and butterflies when it comes to being a parent…
There have been days of frustration, days of struggle and days of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. He has always been an excellent student with intellectual ability, so naturally I expect a lot of him. So, when he comes in the house with a grade that is lower than the standard I have set for him, I get frustrated because I know he can do better. Which, ironically now that I think about it, reminds me of how my parents were with me. I never understood until I had Jalen. My mother would always get so upset with me because she knew my potential was greater than what I was displaying. Now, I totally get it. I have to be tough on him, but it’s been a rough battle because every young boy should have his father in his life to show that tough love. My son doesn’t have that luxury and I’ve had to play both roles. It’s been tough for me because I’m his momma! I’m supposed to nurture him and love on him. To have to play the disciplinarian as well is a struggle, but I’m doing the best I can and I hope that I’ve done a good job at it thus far. I must admit I’ve had great help from the male figures in my life who have been amazing role models, and for that I thank them from the bottom of heart. They know who they are.
At the end of the day, my only purpose in life is to raise an upstanding young man and to live my life in a way that makes him proud of me. I want to show him great examples of how to treat women. In order to ensure that, I am very guarded when it comes to him. Many people ask why I don’t freely speak about him or bring him around, especially when I’m dating, and that’s because the last thing I want is for him to see a revolving door of men. And when I’m not in the best of situations with someone of the opposite sex, I don’t want him to see me go through pain or heartache. Again, my hope is that he sees a better example than what I’ve encountered and he recognizes just how amazing women really are. But, seeing how caring he is now, I don’t think he will have any problems in that area of his life.
For a long time now, I have tried to give Jalen a sibling. To be honest, he was such a perfect baby/child that I’m afraid if I have another child I won’t be so lucky-lol! And after many failed attempts of trying to have another child, I’ve realized that I am okay if it only ends up being him and I. He has been enough and filled my heart with more joy than I could gain in a lifetime without him. Besides, it kind of works out. I want to travel with him and show him parts of the world I’ve never seen. I think it would be easier (and cheaper) to do so with one child, as opposed to two, or more! 🙂
So, to you Jalen, I want to end this post by saying that you are my EVERYTHING! Your existence means more to me than you will ever know. You were my savior when I needed saving; you came right on time! And even though the love your father and I had when we created you has faded, you are still the most amazing thing that has happened to us. If we didn’t do anything else right, we got it right when we made you. You are forever loved, you are forever special and you will grow to do amazing things. I love you Chunks!
XOXO,
Mom